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Expressions of my childhood heart

by Samira©

I am a convert to Islam I'm pleased to say,
Let me tell you my story this way,
Firstly, let me thank Allah most merciful too,
That's why I’m sharing my story with you.

I was born in a non Muslim family you see,
My childhood was very unhappy for me,

My mother abused me physically with an ow,
She'd never wanted me from conception till now.

When the angels were working on my soul, and me
my mother tried everything to miscarry me whole,
when I was only half a year old,
my parents split up and left me in the cold.

I grew up around the family it was said;
from aunt to grandparents was my bed.
I thank these people for taking care of me,
whilst my mother was away having another baby.

When I was six she came back with a sister new
this has been your favourite she was you,
never did you hit her but what was the use?
For things she did wrong I got the abuse.

I was a quiet child not loud or a mess,
she was naughty I must confess
I carried this pain inside with no one to tell,
the abuse you gave me was like living in hell.

I went through school with a friend or two,
but I wasn't allowed to anything because of you,
I was the only one to get exam results,
but all you'd find was big faults.

To you I could never do anything right,
all you shout and say was get out of my sight,
I tried to be what you wanted me to be
I'm sorry I'm not my sister I am just me.

I had never felt love of which a child needs
every time I saw family happiness my heart bleeds
after school age I retaliated and went wild
searching for love of my own but I was only a child

I became insecure unloved and had low esteem
sometimes so low and depressed I could scream
I soon grew up and fended for myself
I was determined to be loved and not left on the
shelf.

During my journey on my lonely road mistakes I did make
whenever I think about what you've done my heart break
I often ask why did I suffer in silence and pain
watching my sister receive everything again and again

Though the years of mistakes and private pain
I found love and become stronger but not all in vain
my own family I have now of very my own
continuously happiness and love is shown.

I am married to an Arab now of which I am closest
I know mother dear deep down you are very racist
it never bothers you that you do not see me
grandchildren you have but refuse to acknowledge them
you see

I have been through college and high levels I got too
being a designer means nothing to you
I cannot please you whatever I do or say
maybe all round its better this way

I am a Muslim now and this is the best
maybe my past life was a big test
its made me stronger in lots of ways
Maybe Allah showed me this for life today.

My children are made happy with a cuddle
even though me life was a muddle
I pray now to one god called Allah
even my family get down and do their salah

You see mother dear I have nothing to thank you for
I'm sorry I was a burden and your dutiful chore
you have a daughter who is close to you
but all this time please remember you have two.

You see bad memories of childhood scarred my heart
I will not treat my family bad for them to depart
without my family I know I'd still have love
I would get it from my best friend Allah above.

Written by Samirra 2000©